The New House and its Progress.

So Rachael and I are moving into our new place this Friday. We are both really excited to have our own space and a new pup. We have put a lot of hours and work into the house. So far we have painted the living room, kitchen, and hallway. We ripped out a lot of carpeting and so far have tiled the living room and plan to tile the hallway and kitchen. Here are photos of the progress thus far (chronologically).

I have worth.

So my mom sent me a link to a blog to read. She said it kind of sounds like me. I do not know if I have the same issues and I dont always know what it is wrong with me but this blog hit a nerve in my heart and I would like for all of the people who have or will read my blog to read this womans blog.

http://moonwillowstudio.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-story-living-with-chronic-fatigue.html

The way this woman speaks is so amazing. I have truly been impacted by this blog. It reminds me in so many ways of myself and how I feel about things. I am truly in awe of her and hope that soon I can have the same positive outlook on everything.

This quote from her blog brought tears to my eyes and I will think of it every day when I wake up and every night when I sleep. Absolutely amazing and inspiring and such the truth:

From one survivor to another...Never, never, never give up. The world is a better place for having you in it. You have worth. This quote by Mary Anne Radmacher has gotten me through many hard days, "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow".

I myself struggle every day with depression. I have a great life, I great place I am moving into with an amazing girlfriend. I will soon have the cutest puppy ever and my family is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Yet, I still struggle. Most of the time I do not know why I am upset, I do not know why I am crying. I too struglle with what people think of me, do they think Im crazy? Do they think it is all in my head? Are they being condescending because they think that I am making things up?

Unfortuantely, depression is not just in my head, if it were I might be able to change it a lot easier. I have been struggling with severe depression for 6 years now. I have tried many medicines to help relieve the symptoms. I have my good days, and I have my terrible days. I have a lot of anger issues, not with any one person or towards any one person. I often get overly angry when I drive, I get angry when things do not go my way, my mood switches from happy to angry or bothered, in no time. I never know when I will be upset and I never know when I will be happy. I cry often, it is the only way I know how to release my frustration, my hurt, my anxiety my stress, my insecurities.

I often get stressed easily and get extremely anxious. I am insecure a lot of the times thinking that I will lose friends because I am so unhappy so often, I worry that my love will leave me and I will be alone again. One tiny thought passes through my head about what could be or could happen and the anxiety sets in. The sadness sets in. All I can think of is what COULD happen and how i COULD prevent it. I worry so much about what COULD happen that I often forget to enjoy whay I currently have. My mom is my greatest savior and I would not know what to do without her. She understand me, she gets it, she knows that I am not making it up, she knows how to help me when I have a panic attack or when a nervous breakdown is hitting me in the face full force.

Most of the time I do not talk about my depression in a serious manner, often I kid about taking my crazy pills and try to brush it off so people wont see how hurt, scared and insecure I really am. When I do talk about my depression it is to try to educate someone, to help them understand what it is. I do not want people to think that this controls my life completely. I am strong, I am independent, I am hard-working, I am so caring and loving, but every day I struggle with this disease that takes over my head and my emotions and makes me feel like an emotional basketcase.

For those of you who do not understand it, who think that it is in someones head, please dont ever, ever, ever tell someone that. To hear those words is to bring someone all the way back down to the bottom of the ladder when we are struggling so hard to climb it. I would like to think that most of us struggling with this just want to be "normal" (whatever that may, to each their own), to be happy, to enjoy the things that everyone else does. I just want all of you to know that we are strong and to not give up, some day things will be okay for you, whichever way or form that may be. Everything always turns out for the better.

Sometimes the only way to keep myself going everyday is to know that it will be okay, it ALWAYS is.